David "BigO" Stern: "Welcome to the 2002 Bleacher Mob Mock Draft. Several weeks ago we at the office decided which team we would like to see make a big improvement. That team was given the first choice in this draft, so... The Houston Rockets are on the clock."

Rudy Tomjanovich: "OK, we stink. At just about every position. Starting with the 5 spot where I have a slug that we paid $42MM over 7 years that isn't tradable even to the WNBA. He quickly became Rip Van Winkle. We have a lot of positions to upgrade. This is not as easy of a pick as you would think. We are just worried sick that we might get another Pervis Ellison. So, we pick Spud Webb."

Carrol Dawson, GM of the Houston Rockets: "Geeforshitskee Rudy, the guy has been out of the league for 12 years, have you had your lithium yet today?"

Rudy: "Yes, that is why I took Spud."

Carrol: "He isn't as tall as the arm is long on the guy we want to take Rudy."

Rudy: "Well, they weigh the same. I got confused."

Carrol: "David, I see you think this is a joke, too so here is the envelope with our actual selection."

David: "Joke, Scmoke. I wasn't laughing. First I make sure the Lakers win the series against the Kings. Had to do that twice, in fact. Then I make sure you guys get the first pick and you do this to me. I'll be hearing from Ralph Nader again, no doubt. Now, make the real pick and let me get back on the stage with my 'What, me worry?' smile."

Carrol: "The Houston Rockets select the Mihgn Dynasty and the Communist Party of the Peoples Republic of China as their first pick. We are also announcing that we are shedding our pinstriped uniforms and going back to the basic Red uniform of our glory years. We think this will ease Yao into the American free market system." [Translation: "We think the 97.8% of Yao's salary that will have to be wire expressed to Bejing the first of each month will ensure that Yao makes it to Houston before Y3K and keep the commies off our backs."]

Rudy: "When do we get to pick again. Got another rabbit up my sleeve."

David Stern: "With the second pick in the 2002 Bleacher Mob Mock Draft the Chicago Bulls select Jay Williams, guard out of Duke.

Jabba the Krause: "MMMMmph, arggg, this year we're taking the premier PG from this years draft. I'm not sure if William's future will have him playing as a PG or a small SG, like a Jason Terry or Allen Iverson. His scoring and defense were too good to ignore. He may end up being trade bait or making someone else on our team expendable, so we can get a "true PG" who can help run our team. Does anyone know if that Mike Bibby guy is available?"

Gary St. Hallama approaches the podium, but his movements seem jerky and wooden. One of his legs seems to be flailing off to the left in a circular motion. His footsteps sounds like those of a horse’s on pavement. Clickity Clop Clickity Clop.

Stern looks on puzzled as St. Hallama crumbles into a heap in front of him, only to spring back up just as fast.

Stern: Uh, Gary, you feeling ok?

St. Hallama: (in a high, forced voice tinged with a Bronx accent, but his lips don’t move) Just fine Dave! Ow’ ya’ doin’?

Stern: Whatever, just give me the damned envelope.

St. Hallama lifts up his hand without the envelope to Stern. Stern just stares at him.

St. Hallama: Whoopsee. Frig’ an A’.

Stern reaches for the envelope out of St. Hallama’s left hand, but it is stuck.

Stern: Just give me that! What the? Why the hell do you got this thing glued to your hand?

Stern rips it away and opens it, pulling St. Hallama’s body along with it.

Stern: With the 3rd pick...

A body falls from the sky and lands behind Stern with a loud THUD. The man, dressed in a disco suit, collects himself, tries to stand but is tangled in string.

Crowd: GASP!

It is Chris Mullin holding a puppeteer’s tool.

Stern: I don’t understand.

Mullin: Well,we all know that I’m now in charge over here. Know what I’m sayin’? First off, the big fat cry baby St. Hallama won’t stop crying over missing out on Jay Williams. Whaa! Whaa! Fo’get ‘bout it! Then, that miserable rat St. Hallama wanted to take one of those stooly’s from overseas, get this, some kid who used to do ballerina before basketball. Where I’s comes from, that kid would’ve been doin’ that pansy stuff with two broken legs! He says he’s missed out on all the good high school players like McGrady and Kobe, and now he doesn’t want to miss out on the latest craze: You are O’ Pee’n players. Get it! You are Peeing! I kill myself. Fo’get ‘bout it!

Stern: I really don’t care, the Warriors don’t have a big enough market and we took away the first two picks from you, you’re not going anywhere soon, so just make the DAMNED PICK!!!

Mullin: Give me that Dunleavy kid from Dookie, get it? Dookie! Yo! What’s up Brooklyn?

Stern: Sooo, with the 3rd pick in the 2002 Bleacher Mob Mock Draft, the Golden State Warriors select: Mike Dunleavy, Duke University. By the way Chris, what happened to St.?

Mullin: Oh, let’s just say he went for a swim with the fishies...if ya’ know what I’m sayin’ Davey Boy.

Look, through the digital stream of the Internet, flying in on lightning fast electrons; it's a word, it's a image, no, it's iKing! Late, but undaunted by his tardiness and his absurd entrance.

'Sorry, folks. Let me get Jerry West on the horn and see who he wants', says iKing. He hums a tune while dialing up Jerry's number, and winks at the camera, zooming in on that thing on his nose.

'Uh, hi Jerry, this is iKing', pause, 'iKing, you know the paranoid genuis who sees conspiracies in his laundry list and has Lakers fans minds buried in the cornfield and has a space/time portal hovering just behind his head', pause, 'Yeah, that's right. Hey!'

iKing chuckles nervously at first then thinks better of it and waxes enthusiastic and sticks his handsome face (with that thing on it) into the camera for an eXtreme close-up, and says 'Jerry hung up on me. He wants to wait until the 26th to make his pick. So...'

The camera pulls away to reveal an extreme wide shot of iKing in black leather, front and center on a huge sound stage, with MEMPHIS emblazened across the back and above the neon curtains, and beautiful, leggy showgirl dancers doing high kicks in unison, Elvis Presley (freshly resurrected from the dead) all in white and glowing with a golden microphone in his hand, posed in a karate position and ready to...sing, talk, who knows?

David Stern staggers in from the wings nervously and stutters but recovers, and says meekly, "Uh, I guess I'm not in Manhattan anymore." And he nervously, and foolishly, steps up next to the deadly grinning iKing, and accepts the microphone, from Elvis, who winks at iKing and launches three rapid-fire kicks into the face, sternum and groin of Mr. Stern. The man crumbles like a house of cards ("eat me, drink me").

The audience goes beserk and roars its approval; and Elvis picks up the golden microphone and says...

Just then, Jason Williams comes in dribbling the ball, grins, and banks an elbow pass off Stern's head to float, spinning and glowing above iKing's head. The raging noise in iKing's head transmits into and through the now glowing and pulsing, spinning orb (Jason's basketball), which now emanates a voice:

"With the 4th pick of the 2002 BMF Mock Draft, the Memphis Grizzlies (who ought to reconsider that name and pronto) select Drew...Carey?"

Jerry West beams in, ala Star Trek, and says "Wait! That's Gooden. Carey can't play basketball. He can barely talk and walk without a prompter and pizza. Come on, what about that big, amazing Brazilian kid, Nene Hilario? Or that Memphis "Messiah" kid, DaJuan Wagner? You can't do this. I like Drew Gooden - 6'10", 230, Power Forward out of Kansas. He has the necessary desire to be a very good pro. He's an excellent athlete with superior leaping ability who excels at crashing the boards. He has amazing lateral quickness for a bigman, can post up or face the basket and has the strength and quickness to overpower or get around opponents. He can even play some at the SF position, with his great agility, but his abilities are best utilized at the 4. He has a well rounded offensive game with great touch and a nifty baby-hook. I like him, but(t) (and this one is bigger than Carey's) he needs to get bigger and stronger, and looks as if he can improve immensely here. He's got to gain more consistency and his ball handling has to improve. He is who all those draft prediction guys pick at this spot; but man, I really like DaJuan Wagner and Nene Hilario. I really do need a few days to sort this out."

Elvis Presley returns holding Dick Bavetta trussed up in an * t-shirt and croons "Remember Game Six*". With that he karate punches Dick into orbit, and poses for effect as the crowd goes wild. He then exits dragging the unconscious David Stern behind him. Trolls, painted purple and gold, waddle wantonly behind the unconscious Stern like groupies, grunting "tell 'em the Lakers won fair, tell 'em game 4 and 6 were fair, tell 'em, tell 'em...", and dropping Shaq Pak dung-burgers in their wake.

Jerry West holds his nose and beams out.

Simultaneously, as the spinning orb above iKing's lion-maned head begins to be sucked into the invisible space/time portal behind iKing, the spinning orb speaks again: "Sorry, Jerry, we have to make a pick NOW. So...though we like DaJuan and Nene, we are going with Drew Gooden."

As everything else is sucked into the invisible portal, Drew Gooden joins Jason Williams onstage, who gives the big man his Memphis cap and nods with approval.

iKing gets on his high-horse and gallops into the sunset, saying "Hi oh Silver, away!"

Kiki Vandeweghe: Coach, who do want with your first pick with the Denver Nuggets? Coach? Coach? … Huh? What do you mean we don’t have a coach? … Oh, I was supposed to handle that? … Uh, lemme get back to you. Here, kid, take this up to that three-piece suit up there.

David Stern: With the fifth selection in the 2002 Bleacher Mob Mock Draft, the Denver Nuggets select Nikoloz Tskitishvilli, forward, Benetton Treviso. The Cleveland Cavaliers are on the clock.

Vandeweghe: Coach, why don’t you tell the folks about our newest player? … Whoa, sorry, did that again. Well, if we had a coach, he’d more than likely tell you that the Denver Nuggets are willing to be patient with talented players. Heck, we’re patient enough to actually assemble a team without a coach! ... Besides, I heard Petrie liked this kid. Maybe he can coach a little....

Darth Stern: Cleveland, you have five minutes to make your selection.

Jim Paxson: Hang on, we're not ready yet. OK boss, who do you like?

Gordon Gund: Did they already draft Drew Gooden?

Paxon: Yep. Went fourth to Memphis.

Gund: Dang. I thought, Drew Carey, Drew Gooden - Cleveland rocks, you know instant marketing. Crap. Is there anybody else named Drew?

Paxon: No. (becoming impatient)

Gund: What about somebody whose last name is Drew? Or Carey? Can we draft Jim Carrey? He dunked on Ferris Bueller in the Cable Guy.

Paxon: No, he's not eligible.

Gund: We gotta put butts in the seats. Is there anybody in the draft that's from Ohio and is an amazing dynamite player?

Paxon: Well, there's one kid. . .

Gund: I know who you're talking about. The kid from Columbus.

Paxon: But he's still in school. I don't think we can take him.

Gund: Nope, big Gordo's made up his mind. Darth! We've made a decision. Here's our pick:

Stern: Lil Bow Wow is NOT eligible for the draft.

Paxon: I thought you were talking about LeBron James. Even that kids not available till next year. Even if Lil Bow wow could really play he couldn't be drafted until 2005.

Gund: Well, keep some scouts on him then. That kid can fly. And he took a charge from Chris Webber. That's guts.

Gund: Ok, well let's go for the old standby. Pick the promising center with foot problems.

Paxon: There isn't one this year.

Gund: So who should we pick?

Paxon: I really like Caron Butler. He's a small forward who can fill it up and plays good D. But Chris Wilcox is just too good to pass up.

He's a super athletic PF whose got more polish than McDyess did coming out. He was clearly Maryland's most talented player and he learned how to win.

That's our guy.

Who's got next?

David Stern: With the 7th pick of the 2002 Bleacher Mob Mock Draft, The New York Knicks select Maybyner "Nene" Hilario
POWER FORWARD 6-9 from Brazil.

New York crowd in the upper deck: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

David Stern: Here's your cap Nene and welcome to New York. Don't worry about all the booing, it means they like you.

Nene: I am being scared Mr. David. Can you fix it so they like me?

David Stern: I can fix anything young man. Just check out the tape of game 6 in the Western Conference Finals.

Ernie Johnson in the booth: Wow, I haven't seen the Garden fans this ugly since that Barry Manilow concert a few years ago. The crowd really wanted Curtis Borchardt the center form Stanford. Lets go to Scott Layden for an explanation.

Scott Layden: The Knicks fans booing him now will be cheering him in a few years. Well, that line worked for Geoff Petrie once. Seriously, we had a tough time deciding between Curtis and Nene. I feel in a few years, Nene will be one of the top power forwards in the Eastern Conference. Curtis is a solid center, but I don't really think he is all star material and Nene has those qualities.

Darth Stern: With the 8th pick in the 2002 NBA Draft, the other team from Los Angelos select James Caron Butler-6'7" Forward from Conneticut

Elgin Baylor: (rattles papers at podium, looks uncomfortable) Well, our draft board had us selecting someone else at this spot, but since a fine young talent has fallen into our laps, we'll take it!!! He's a ready made scorer in the NBA and an exciting young talent, we are very big on exciting young talent around here. Give him three years in the league and he'll be a fine addition to any team, not ours, of course, because by then he will want real money and we are very against that here.( Looks stern.) Someone PLEASE make Geoff Petrie quit LOOKING at me, every time he does I get this insane desire to phone him up and offer up the Kandi man for Mateen Cleaves. MAKE HIM STOP!!! He's doing it again! He's looking at me!! David, isn't that a foul????

Stern: I'm sorry Elgin, I can't help you out there, after Game 6 people are watching me too closely, maybe you could just shut your eyes and hum? Thats what the lakers do, works for them.

Inside the War Room in Phoenix

Stern: With the fourth pick the Grizzlies select Drew Gooden

TheBigColangelO: Dang!

Stern: With the fifth pick the Nuggets select Nickoloz Tskitishvili

TheBigColangelO: Shoot!

Stern: With the sixth pick the Cavaliers select Chris Wilcox

TheBigColangelO: Darn!

Stern: With the seventh pick the Knicks select Maybyner Hilario

TheBigColangelO: Darn-diddely-arn!

Nothing is going right here in the valley of the Suns. I had one simple wish for this draft. All I wanted was an athletic PF who could finish in traffic, who had soft hands, the ability and willingness to bang in the paint and who would be a model citizen off the court. Is that too much to ask?

In most drafts it would be, but four guys who could possibly fit that bill have already been drafted.

So what else can we look at?

We've got Marbury at the one and Marion at the three. Penny's overpaid at the two but its Joe Johnson who we really hope will take over that position.

We could reach and grab Borchardt. But how much of an improvement will he really be over the two Jakes? There's big Jake Tsakalidis and little Jake Voskuhl. They are doing a decent enough job that we don't need to grab a center just to grab one.

We have no need for DeJuan Wagner at either guard spot.
We really like Kareem Rush, but he's a reach too. Same with Jiri Welsch.

Jared Jeffries wowed us in workouts but he's just not the type of PF we need.

Qyntel Woods past indiscretions mean he won't be wearing a Suns uni anytime soon.

Well, we gotta draft somebody. Here ya go Darth.

David Stern: With the ninth pick in the 2002 NBA draft, the Phoenix Suns select Amare Stoudamire from Cypress Creek High School

TheBigColangelO: Don't be suprised to see us deal this kid to Portland in the near future.

D. Stern: The Miami Heat are up with the 10th pick. Been trying to find Riley for about an hour. Oh there you are, where have you been?

Ghorsey Riley: Well, it's been a long time since I've had a pick up this high and so as things were moving slowly, I decided to go get my hair done so as to look my best. Phil has passed me up and has been pulling away from so I want to do everything I can to turn things around and get back on top again. By the way, do you know wehre I can get in touch with Dick Bavetta, I think he could be a great consultant and help.

D. Stern: Riles, Ix-nay on the Ick-day man, not here. Cal me later and maybe I can help.

Ghorsey Riley: Oh, OK. Sorry about that. Anyway, with the 10th pick the Miami Heat selects Jared Jeffries from Indiana. I like his all around game, but he needs a lot of work. Maybe I ned to change my image a lot. How about a #1 blade cut and no more moose for a start. Think I might look 10 years younger?
After working with a raw rookie like this for the next couple of years, it will add 10 years to my appearance, so evens out maybe?

David Stern: With the 11th pick in the first round, the Washington Wizards select Dajuan Wagner from Memphis State.

Wes Unseld: Before I discuss the first round pick of the Washington Wizards, let me say this: Michael Jorden did not make this pick. None of us has seen the man since March.

You don't know what it means to a guy who has been called the village idiot and the East Coast Elgin Baylor for years to get such an easy chance to look smart! I'm gonna go down with the guy who drafted the Mailman late in the first round! Whoopee! Dunce to genius in one [expletive deleted] pick!

Dajuan Wagner may well be the best player in this draft and he plays the position where we most need help. He is a tad over 6'2" and 200 pounds and very strong, unlike some spindly guards on this team who need to lift weights. I can't imagine how he got through to us, but I'm much too simple minded to look a gift horse in the mouth. We were looking to improve the PG position and will this ever do THAT!

This kid is known as "The Messiah" and can score on anyone - I mean ANYone. As his friend Allen Iverson put it, "Little brotha, you got game!" Did I miss some news report of him blowing out a knee or dating someone with AIDS or choking his coach? Hell, for that matter, who cares - knees can be fixed; Magic played fine with AIDs and for all I care he can choke Doug Collins if he's as good as he seems -- Doug might not even mind! Okay, he can't play a lick of defense yet, but that's what coaches are for - the kid has the quickness to play great D and all he needs is some tough love guidance. Upside? Hall of Fame. At the 11th slot? Guess I'm a genius! hehe (mountain of blubber shakes with the first ever televised chuckle by Unseld). Oh wait -- what if Qyntel Woods is the next Tracy McGrady and this Messiah never learns any D? I could STILL end up looking dumb. [String of expletives deleted.]

On another front, there is NO truth to the rumor I plan to suit up and try to make a comeback this fall. Sure, even though I'm eligible for Medicare, if I could play Shaq rules, I could be the scorer I never was. But, Mr. Stern made it clear earlier today that those rules apply ONLY to players with commercial revenues of over $100m per year and my lifetime earnings from all sources aren't close to that. Maybe if I had a little girlie smile like Shaq and MJ (instead of my trademark scowl) I could have gotten an ad or two.

Ooops, that's my cell phone. I'm about to re-establish contact with MJ. [awkward, first-ever public grin] It's been nice knowing you. I may not be able to make the press conference after all. Come visit me at the home. Mr. Pollin says it's really nice and they allow visitors on Fridays!

David Stern: (Looking put out and impatient) (muttering) Geez, Elgin, where you been?

Elgin Baylor: (underbreath in an aside to DS) Sorry man, I couldn't get any sleep these last few days, I keep having these recurring dreams, some sort of Mateen Cleaves Highlight reel (I really had no idea that boy was so good with a towel, his energy off the bench is amazing) and this voice in my head 'you want Mateen' It's really starting to get to me. Then I had to go see my lawyer, as I was slandered by a fellow GM, East Coast Elgin Baylor indeed.

Stern: Just give me the damn envelope, you're babbling.

Elgin: Sure, here it is, sorry. (Looks around nervously) You haven't seen Geoff have you?

Stern: With the 12th pick of the 2002 NBA Draft the Los Angelos Clippers select Curtis Borchardt 7 foot Center out of Stanford.

Elgin: Curtis is a big man that can shoot the ball, block shots and finish around the basket, besides this loosens the leverage Kandi has on us.

Darth Stern: The Milwaukee Bucks select Marcus Haislip.

Coach Karl: Marcus Haislip leaves Tennessee after a junior season that saw him earn second-team All-Southeastern Conference honors by the league's coaches and a third team pick by the Associated Press. Haislip ranked among the SEC leaders in six different categories including scoring (fourth; 16.7 ppg), rebounding (eighth; 6.7 rpg), field goal percentage (fourth; 51.8 percent), free throw percentage (ninth; 72.1 percent), blocked shots (second; 1.76 bpg) and defensive rebounds (eighth; 4.48 rpg).
Haislip recorded 44 blocks in 25 games last season and only one SEC player (Auburn's Kyle Davis with 77) had more blocked shots. Ranks ninth on Tennessee's career blocked shots list with 116 career rejections. His 44 blocks on the season ranks in a tie for ninth on Tennessee's single-season charts.

At 6-foot-10 he owned the highest vertical jump on the Vol roster, and prior to last season Haislip recorded a 40-inch vertical leap in testing. An extremely hard worker in the weight room, he improved his bench press from 175 pounds as a freshman to 400 pounds this year.

Positives: Haislip is rangy, can block shots and can be a pest on the offensive backboard. He's got plenty of upside on his offensive game but wasn't able to fully develop it under two different coaches at Tennessee. He was suspended for the first six games of this season and that didn't help his progress.

Negatives: Scouts aren't sure just how good an offensive talent he can be in the NBA. They don't doubt Haislip's defensive skills, but they want to know why he has never been a consistent scorer. If he can shake this rep then he's got a great chance to move up in the draft.

Summary: Haislip's size and ability to alter shots make him a must in the top 20 and with a good chance to crack the back end of the lottery. He'll be a player who could really leap up in the draft in private workouts.

And we make this pick only because KG Baylor won't trade Elton Brand for Scott Williams.

Donnie Walsh: (decked in all green with a green cap and bow an arrow to boot)

(singing as he approaches the podium and Darth Stern)

I rob from the rich and I give the the poor! (us)

(handing Darth Stern the envelopes and Stern reads it and begins to speak in a classic VADER voice)

With the 13th pick in the 2002 NBA Draft the Indiana Pacers select...

Qyntel Woods! A 6'8 swingman from Northeast Mississippi CC (in Booneville MS)

Donnie Walsh: (still decked in his green outfit and beaming like the chesire cat or the Lakers aftrer that game 6 gift, take your pick, begins to speak)

This guy is a true talent, we can't believe he slipped this far. He could possibly be the most talented player in the entire draft class, so for us to be able to select a player we never thought would be there, and a player that can play the point guard as well as the two and three spots, and possibly be the best player in the league 7 or 8 years down the road, is a godsend.

(doing his best Don King impression now)

Only in America!!!

------------------------------------------------------

On a side note, I considered drafting two other guys at this slot, those being Jiri Welsch and Bostjan Nachbar. That being said, this was before I realized at the next to last moment that Woods was available and had to rethink things. However in the end (recent irl draft slippage be damned) This guy has been projected on different nba draft sites to be quite possibly the best player in the draft, so how could I pass him up especially when it's a irl need? I couldn't.

David Stern: The Rockets pick Bostjan Nachbar.

TNT Commentator: There is, all of a sudden a lot of talk around the Houston GM office at trading the first pick. I think the initial contract buyout of the Shanghai Sharks is staggering. This is normal negotiating tactics, but there is an undercurrent of another sort going on here. The Rockets are at the cross roads. This pick may never come there way for another decade. They are where the Kings were with the Pervis Ellison draft. The undercurrent, small, but still out there, is to listen to other GM's offers for Steve Francis, pick Jay Williams and use Steve to try to get a veteran big man. I don't think it will happen. I think they will take Yao and pay the ransome and let him mature with the other younsters they have.

Bostjan Nachbar fits that mode in this mock draft. I think in the real draft that a trade or two will make Jeffries available at the 15 slot and the Rockets will take him.

David Stern: Billy King, Larry Brown can you please wake up, you're on the clock

Billy King: What? Already?

Billy King hands Stern the pick

David Stern: With the 16th pick in the 2002 NBA Draft the Philadelphia 76ers select... *****, ****, ****. [whispers to Billy King] This is Larry Brown's thoughts and feelings about Allen Iverson.

Larry Brown runs up and quickly swaps the envelopes

David Stern: With the 16th pick in the 2002 NBA Draft the Philadelphia 76ers select... Kareem Rush (6-6 214 SG Missouri Jr.)

Larry Brown: This playoffs showed me that all we need is someone to help Iverson with the scoring and some luck with injuries. There is no doubt that I'll try to make some changes and make this pick totally irrelevant and destroy the little chemistry we had.

As the clock winds down, Hornets owner George Shinn hands an envelope to David Stern.

George Shinn: I know we traded this pick to Washington, but they said I could have my 15 minutes of glory here and go through the motions of picking with you.

David Stern: Uhh, OK. With the seventeenth pick of the 2002 NBA draft, the Charlotte, er, New Orleans Hornets select......... Rebecca Lobo???!!! George, I don't think that she's available in this league!

George Shinn: I hear ya Mr. Stern, but have you gotten a load of the mouth on that gal? Whooo! Looks like she could....

David Stern: Mr. Shinn! I beg your pardon!

Jeff Bower: Sorry about the Mr. Stern, George hasn't taken his medication today. When he was talking about his "top secret" draft pick this morning, I was assuming that he was impressed with a player's high speed internet access, what with the amount of time he mentioned "DSL"s. Why don't you take this envelope.

David Stern: Thank you. With the seventeenth pick of the 2002 NBA draft, the Charlotte Hor.. Damnit! The New Orleans Hornets select Jiri Welsch, Point Guard from the Czech Republic.

Hubie Brown: This is an interesting pick for the Hornets, who desperately need an outside presence to go along with Baron Davis, Jamaal Mashburn, and a formidable front line. Welsch is a point guard by nature, but may have to adapt to the two-guard position in the NBA, especially behind a phenom like Davis. Jiri is an exciting playmaker, he goes to the basket strong, and at 6''7" is a good defender. However, he's not a good three point shooter, and he'll need to add that to his repartoire if he's going to make a name for himself in this league. What this could do for the Hornets is open things up for Baron Davis, who can play off the ball ...... oh dear god, excuse me, I'm having a minor heart attack.... there, that's better...... with a quality ballhandler and passer like Welsch in the game. Still, I question the team's pick with this young guy. They need outside shooting, and they might not get it with Welsch. We'll see. Of course, this pick is for Washington, so I guess it isn't strange after all.

David Stern: With the 18th pick in the 2002 NBA Draft...the Orlando Magic select Steve Logan, PG out of Cincinnatti.

The GM for Orlando runs out of the building shouting, "I have business to attend to, I will discuss this later."

D.S.: Utah, you have five minutes to make a pick!

Kevin O'Connor: (whispering into D.S.'s ear) We don't know what to do D.S. Our pick from last year isn't healthy and John Stockton says he might go work at his father's bar in Seattle.
So, my guess is that we are going to have to go small. Brick! Brick! Brick! I can't decide! We were going to take Li'l Bowwow, but Cleveland got him first. We have hundreds of free tickets to go see :Like Mike" if anyone wants to go. OK here is the plan "B" envelope.

D.S.: And the Utah Jazz pick Verne Troyer! Uh who ?

Kevin O'Connor: Our coaching staff decided that we have enough big men with AK47, Karl Malone, and Greg Osterfat, err, I mean Ostertag. Speaking of Greg Ostertag, did you know he's going to lose about five pounds tomorrow? Yeah, he's giving a kidney to his sister. So, anyway we decided to go small, REALLY SMALL. This guy has some very quick moves, can see the floor up close, can pass or BE passed, and has incredible between the legs moves. LOOK!

He can also add another 3 foot on another player for a Triple D!

D.S.: A triple WHAT?

Kevin O'Connor: A Triple D! A Double Decker Dunk!
Just put him on Donyell Marshall's or Karl Malone's shoulders and BOOM! no one, not even Shack, can block that shot!

Ring! Ring! Ring!

D.S.: Sorry, Mr. O'Connor, New Line Cinema just called and Verne is still under contract with them and is not available. You can see him in "Goldmember", July 26 in a theatre near you.

Kevin O'Connor: Oh Airballs!
Eenie Meenio Mynie Moe

I guess we'll just have to take that other guy, Carlos Boozer from Duke. I just like saying his name.

David Stern: With the 20th pick in the 2002 NBA Draft, the Toronto Raptors select Dan Dickau, point guard from Gonzaga.

Craig Sager: (Live outside the Toronto Raptor war room) I'm live with Lenny Wilkens and my question has to be, why Dan Dickau??

Lenny Wilkins: We needed some help in the backcourt, and we would've liked to have grabbed Dunleavy at small forward, but he just didn't drop that far. Imagine that. We tried starting rumors like Jay Williams using crack, but everyone seemed ok with it. We even tried informing people that Dunleavy is bulimic. C'mon now, look at him,
I don't know why people found that one so hard to believe. In the end we took what we consider is the best available player.

Notes: Dan Dickau became the first player in Gonzaga history to earn All-American honors, being named to the first team in 2002, as well as being the first Bulldog to be among the top five in John R. Wooden Award balloting. Dickau was also a Naismith Award Finalist for Player of the Year after leading the Zags back to the NCAA Tournament for the third straight year.
In just three seasons after transferring from Washington, Dickau leaves Gonzaga with 299 career assists, which ranks seventh on the all-time list. He also became the 23rd member of the Gonzaga 1,000-point club with 1,125 to rank 16th. Add in his Washington numbers and he put up 1,290 career points and handed out 366 assists.

Dickau was named MVP of the West Coast Conference Tournament, after earning the award for the regular season. Dickau played for Team USA at the World University Games last summer -- a team that won a bronze medal in Beijing, China. He averaged 4.8 ppg, 1.3 rpg, and 1.1 assists in China.

Positives: Relentless. Dickau is a top-notch shooter and playmaker. Difficult to guard because of his ability to sink the jumper or take it to the hoop. Very active on the offensive end; is deceptively quick. Dickau does have NBA-range on his jumper and the ball-handling skills to get his teammates involved. His game definitely has a flair to it.

Negatives: Dickau is a pretty weak defender. Will he give up more points than he scores in the pros? Doesn't seem to quite have the knack that other WCC alums (like John Stockton and Steve Nash) have for making his teammates better and coming up with the big play.

Summary: Dickau will continue to be one of the most hotly-debated players in the draft. Will benefit from the success of players like Nash and Andre Miller. Some scouts feel he has the potential to land in the late lottery with good workouts. Others say there are enough question marks that he could slip all the way to the bottom of the first round. No one doubts his ability to score, but whether he can run a pro offense? The jury is divided.

David Stern: And with the 21st pick in the 2002 Bleacher Mob NBA Mock Draft, the Portland Trail Blazers select Melvin Ely, center-power forward from Fresno State. Phoenix is on the clock.

Bob Whitsitt: OK, OK, I know the first question is going to be, "What about Rasheed Wallace?" And the answer is, "What about Rasheed Wallace?" He's still the man. But we play in the Western Conference, and this is all about getting big and past the Lakers. Melvin's 6-10 and a good 250 and getting bigger, with about a 12-foot wing span. Remember, I put a kid named Brian Grant on the floor with 'Sheed and he's not too shabby. We got a kid here in Melvin who's got post moves coming out his little 'fro, who can rebound with anyboby in America and who should have gone about eight or 10 picks ago.

Mo Cheeks: And with that headband, he looks like Artis Gilmore.

Stern: Jerry, you're on the clock again.

BigColangelO: Again?

Stern: Yep.

BigColangelo: Alright, let's make this quick. I don't like thinking about the Suns more than I have to these days.

Stern: Waddya mean?

BigColangelo: I'd much rather spend my time tinkering with the Diamond Backs. We're in first place, coming off a World Series win and we've got a pool in the middle of our stadium. How cool is that?

On the other hand, the Suns missed the playoffs last season and when they did make the playoffs last season, they couldn't even sell out the place. We had to have our players go out and sell tickets.

And to top it all off, we deal our best player in Kidd, and a valuable guy in uncle Cliffy because of off the court problems and what happens? The Nets and Pistons have amazing seasons, and our new PG gets busted for a DUI.

And don't get me started on Penny.

Stern: Jerry, you're still on the clock. . . and running out of time.

BigColangelO: Sigh

Stern: Hey, look at it this way, you could have the Knicks roster and payroll.

BigColangelo: Thanks Darth, you always know what to say to cheer me up. Let's do some drafting.

There were two thoughts on how we should draft here. The first was to go big again and find somebody polished as an insurance policy for Stoudamire (who we might deal anyway so another PF/C is an even bigger need).

We were looking at both Ely and Boozer. With them gone it leaves us with Jamal Sampson, Sam Clancy, Dan Gadzuric, Jason Jennings, Nenad Krstic or Ryan Humphrey.

Sampson is too raw for us. We need help now. Gadzuric is a stiff and just lacks a feel for the game and the heart to succeed. Krstic is also too long term a project. He may not even come over right away.

Clancy is intriguing. NBAdraft.net compares him to Rodney Rogers, but we don't see that. We see a bigger more athletic Corliss Williamson. And even though he's undersized, he's got a short neck and long arms so we think he'll be able to get his shot off. Like a poor man's Elton Brand.

Now Humphrey is a better comparison to Rodney Rogers. But he's not a banger. If we didn't want Rogers, why would we want a less skilled version?

Jennings could work. He's got soft hands and Marbury loves centers that feed off his leftovers. It's no coincidence that Dean Garrett played his best ball with Steph in Minny. He lived off Marbury's drive and dish. Plus he's got decent post moves and is a servicable defender/shotblocker.

But the second line of thinking is that we need to get a guy that addresses our biggest need: outside shooting.

And I think we're gonna go that way.

The two guys we've been debating are Casey Jacobsen and Tayshaun Prince. Jacobsen's the purer shooter and could eventually be a bigger Jeff Hornacek. Of course that's what Cleveland thought about Trajan Langdon. He's gotten better at it, but Casey still can't create his own shot.

So we're going with the more offensively versatile Prince.

He makes the game look easy as he effortlessly strokes it from well beyond the NBA three. He has good post up moves and long arms if a smaller player guards him.

He's going to be a defensive liability but we can live with that, as he'll make up for it by giving us a viable third scorer and a guy who'll stretch the floor.

Now if you'll excuse me, the D-Backs play the Blue Jays in about an hour.

David Stern: With the 23rd choice in the 2002 Bleacher Mob Mock Draft, the Detroit Pistons select Rod Grizzard, swing man from Alabama. The New Jersey Nets are on the clock.

Joe Dumars: He reminds me of me, only bigger.

Darth Stern:  Next on the clock is the Minnesota Timberwolves.

Kevin McHale:  Um, Darth, we don't have a pick, remember?

Stern:  Of course I remember.  But you are now on the clock for five minutes.  I want you to use them to think about what you did.  I have a chair set up in the corner of the arena just for you.  Here let me help you put on the dunce cap.  See you in five.

Draft Nazi:  NO PICK FOR YOU!!

RpoD Thorn: Our team had the best season in its history. We think the chemistry here is great, and the talent is excellent. Not to mention, we're trying to avoid the possible luxury tax as much as a fight between Keith van Horne and Kenyon Martin. In the interest of not wanting to meddle with a great product, and to avoid a possible luxury tax, the New Jersey Nets select Nobody with the 24th pick.

Darth: Err... RpoD, you can't do that.

Rpod Thorn: Why the hell not?! You just let Minnesota do it.

Darth: RpoD, the Wolves selected nobody because we took away their pick.

RpoD Thorn: Why'd you do that?!

Darth: Because of that whole Joe Smith thing. You remember. You worked in the league office when we penalized Minnesota.

RpoD Thorn: Oh, you mean back in the good ol' days when I used to agree with you that it was a good idea to let Shaq get away with fouling on every possession?

Darth: Heh...(uneasy laugh). Uhh... sort of. (whispers to RpoD: Remember that talk we had before you left the league office, the one about you not remembering anything about the way the league operates?)

RpoD Thorn: (unwittingly loudly) Oh yeah! I remember that talk. Err... I mean, no I don't.

Darth: Just make a pick, RpoD.

RpoD Thorn: with the 24th pick, the New York, err... Jersey, Nets select Juan Dixon, 6' 3" point guard from Maryland. We know some people consider him a 'tweener' by NBA standards. We like to think of him as a big point guard. We think he'll develop really nicely under the tutelage of another big point guard, Jason Kidd. And his size will allow us to use him at the big guard position for some stretches. And besides, Critic says he can play NBA D and that his shot is excellent. We think he's an excellent addition to our team. GO KINGS!!!!

Darth: Umm... Thanks, RpoD.

Kiki Vandeweghe: Our turn again? Cool. Coach, fire a dart at the board and let’s get us a player. Coach? Yo, coach? … Huh? Oh, right, still need done of those. Can we take Rick Majerus? How ’bout Gary Williams? Rats, someone run this card up to the podium.

David Stern: With the 25th selection in the 2002 Bleacher Mob Mock Draft, the Denver Nuggets select Frank Williams, point guard from the University of Illinois. The San Antonio Spurs are on the clock.

Vandeweghe: Coach, tell us about our newest player. Coach? ... Huh? Dang, forgot that again. Since we traded our point guard, Nick Van Exel, last season and got Tim Hardaway in return, we were hoping one of three guards would still be here for us at No. 25. Two of them were. Frank Williams gives another piece to the puzzle that, in a couple of years with Antonio McDyess will makes us a contending team.

Craig Sager: Does this mean you’ll look at coach with your second-round pick?

Vandeweghe: We heard Mike Dunlap, who led Metro State to the Division II title this year, might be available. Then again, is Hardaway still under contract?

Stern: ...with the 26th pick in the 2002 BMF Mock Draft, the San Antonio Spurs select...

...Nenad Krstic, Yugoslavia.

Poppovich: Sorry Sacramento, you can't hide this guy from us! He was scheduled to come work out for us, but was mysteriously called back for his national team. Hogwash! If Geoff Petrie wants Nenad, Greg Poppoppovich wants Nenad!

With the good fortune of drafting Tony Parker last season, we figured, what the hay, let's go fishing from Europe again. Nenad can play overseas for a year or two and then come replace the Admiral. We thought we might take someone who Tim Duncan could become friends with, like, say Tyra Banks. But she was already taken. We basically already have a #1 pick coming to play in Emanuel Ginobilli, a perimeter slasher who was voted 2nd best player in Europe this year.

Once again, sorry Sactown! You big 'Moooosers'!

(Secretly, in his 'war room' bunker, a fully camoflauged Geoff Petrie smirks in delight as he crosses Nenad's name off of the board. "Excellent, excellent. Another sucker." Petrie erupts in an evil laugh which lasts the duration until the Kings selection.)

David Stern: With their pick in the 2002 NBA Draft, the NBA Champion* Los Angeles Lakers select…. Dick Bevetta!

Gaijin: The knock on Bevetta is his age (76), obviously, but you can’t deny his ability to take over a big game! At only 5’6’’ and 130 pounds, he may lack the size of a Tim Duncan or Chris Webber, but can still clear the lane for Shaq by calling ticky-tack fouls on opposing power forwards and centers, swallowing the whistle on Shaq’s offensive charges and whistling opponents for three-second violations. So imposing a force is Bevetta, at times the opposition must feel like their only recourse is to C_ _ _ _ T.

It must have been hard for Mitch Kupchak to pass on either of the Crawfords, but Bevetta’s unique blend of doddering incompetence, clinical blindness, malicious rule re-interpretation and the ability to smack down small market teams in a deciding game makes him an irresistible choice from the Lakers’ standpoint!

David Stern: (wearing a rictus grin, and staring fixedly into the camera) ~whisper, whisper~

Mitch Kupchak: What’s that, Mr Stern? You mean, we can’t draft him because he’s on the payroll already? And tell him to take off his 2002 championship ring? Of course, sir…just so long as he’s happy with the checks and the “private lapdances” with those young friends of Dr. Buss’ and keeps up the good work for us!

In that case, we select….. Frederick Jones Shooting Guard 6-4 Oregon.

Phil Jackson: We are happy to get someone other than Shaq/Kobe who can rebound/score/assist/run the break/defend/inbound the ball/get slapped on the butt by Mark Madsen.

Mitch Kupchak: Hey, can we give back Mark Madsen while we’re here? The Laker Girls have been complaining about him waving that smelly towel around, not to mention his dancing puts them off their rhythm. And their food.

* Not valid in the City of Sacramento. Reno may be pretty iffy also. Residents of Houston and Denver have been less than wholly acceptant of the concept. And it’s pretty damn dubious in the rest of America outside LA, come to think of it (though Clipper fans have words to say on the topic). Not to mention Turkey, and former Yugo-land. I seem to remember China and the Philippines expressing doubt as well. Likewise, opinions are, to say the least, divided in and amongst Japan, France, Spain, Paraguay, Uruguay, He’saguy, He’saguytoobuthismomdresseshimfunny, Argentina, the Upper Volta, the magic kingdoms of Middle-Earth and Narnia, the sports-loving Xhilophae of the Crab Nebula (who closely resemble Earthlings, with the inexplicable absence of nasal hair), the non-Laker-loving denizens of the Multiverse in geneal and last but not least, The People’s Republic of Me, Myself and I.

David Stern: With the final first round pick in the 2002 Bleacher Mob Mock Draft, the Sacramento Kings select Mladen Sekularac Shooting Guard 6-8 Yugoslavia

Geoff Petrie: We are very happy to add another premier European swingman to our roster. And we feel that Mladen will allow us to now make another move that will assure us the title next season.

Ernie Johnson at TNT: Did he just say that a trade was forthcoming?

Mike Fratello: Sounded that way to me.

David Stern: We have a trade to annnounce.

Stern opens an envelope and looks at it's contents

David Stern: Uhh, ... it appears that I have been traded from the Los Angeles Lakers for Peja Stojakovic, Chris Webber and the rights to Mike Bibby.

Stern puts on a Sacramento Kings ballcap.

Ernie Johnson: Oh my, what a blockbuster deal for both teams.

Mike Fratello: You have got to believe that this will help the Kings more than it will the Lakers, though. David Stern certainly gives up something in speed and height, but he has shown to be unmovable, even in the face of reason, and he has a wicked under-the-table hand-off. Plus he is certain to get every call going his way from the refs.

Ernie Johnson: Yes, Mike, I think you are right. This is certain to give the Kings the undisputed championship next year.

David Stern walks off the stage to go call his new team...

Russ Granik: We begin the Second round...

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Second Round
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Chris Mullin shoots his selection (with his smooth lefty stroke) which lands perfectly in Russ Granik's robot like hands.

Granik: (with robotic accent) Nice shot, Chris. I see you haven't lost your touch.

Mullin: Fo'get about it...

Just as Granik opens the envelope, he is interrupted by a loud scream from the back of the room:

Gary St. Hallama: (soaked to the bone, wearing cement shoes, a fish flops around in his coat pocket) Now hold on a picadilly minute here! I just trudged myself out of the Hudson River wearing these cement blocks, the least you could do is allow me to make one freakin' pick. It's a 2nd rounder for God's sake!

Granik looks over to Mullin.

Mullin: Aw, let the rat bastard make the pick.

Gary St. Hallama: Thanks Godfather...I mean, Mr. Mullin. I like that Ronald Murray kid from that Div. II school. We need...

Mullin: Nope.

Gary St. Hallama: Ok, how about Chris Jefferies...

Mullin: Nope.

Gary St. Hallama: Mason.

Mullin: Next...

Gary St. Hallama: Casey Jacobson! How about him!

Mullin: Moron. Think big.

Gary St. Hallama: Jennings. He has a huge wingspan!

Mullin: Think California...

Gary St. Hallama: Jamal Sampson. He went to Cal. Whoooohooooo! I got it! I got it!

St. Hallama tries to jump for joy, but he is stuck in his cement shoes, and rips his legs off at the knees. Blood everywhere.

Gary St. Hallama: Oh no.

Granik: Chris, can we speed this up a bit...

Mullin: Dan Gadzuric, UCLA.

Granik: With the 30th pick in the 2002 BMF Mock Draft, the Golden State Warriors select, Dan Gadzuric, UCLA.

Granik: With the 31st pick in the 2002 Bleachermob Draft, the Chicago Bulls take Sam Clancy... no Jamal Sampson... no Peter Fehse... ok Krause, you can only have one player.

Krause: That's what my mother used to say about doughnuts, but does it look like that stopped me. The Lakers got Bavetta, so I'm not sure it matters anyway. Well, we love potential, and out team is obviously stacked with it, but I think I'm going to have to take this years "slippery-slider" Sam Clancy from USC. He plays well at both sides of the basket and his long reach sould make up for his lack of size. He's also a hard worker and a good character to have on the team. Sampson was a possibility, but "potential" and "poor work ethic" are a scary combination. Fehse was also temtpting, but the payoff would be too far off. I've all ready given half of the team copies of my IDas it is. Suprisingly, most Westwood bars will let Tyson Chandler in with my driver's licence. I didn't realize how similar we looked.

Eyes darting in all directions, hands soiling the announcement card with sweat, David "little Hitler" Stern's legs are unstable and visibly trembling as he makes his way back to center-stage.

David: (under his breath) Anybody see Elvis? (outloud) With the 32nd pick of the draft, the Memphis Grizzlies select...

Suddenly, the thin Elvis Presley in skin-tight black leather slides across the stage on his knees and whacks David in the groin with a white Stratocaster solidbody guitar. Thwang!

David: (gritting his teeth in obvious excruciating pain) ...Luis Scola...

As David passes out cold, Elvis makes a karate pose and says:

"Thankyouverymuch."

The crowd goes wild.

Dan Crawford slinks in and is about to call a foul but Elvis gives him his standard raised eyebrow and lip curl and Dan thinks better of it and says to the unconscious David:

"Sorry, boss, Elvis gets two free throws. You shouldn't have blocked that guitar with your...well, you know."

Jerry West shakes Elvis' black-gloved hand as the King of Rock-n-Roll exits to great fanfare, and Jerry has dozens of microphones put infront of him while lots camera flashes go off from all directions. He calmly fields a question and answers.

Jerry: Well, we like Luis Scola. He has great hands, and NBA upper body strength. He will not have the problems that other Euro players like Kirilenko and Gasol have been facing. Also, he is a good athlete with leaping ability and runs the floor pretty well for a big man. He is used to playing high-level basketball at the age of 22. He played in the Euroleague Finals last year which was the highest level of club competition in Europe. Also, almost doubling his averages every year (last year: 8.8 ppg, this year: 16.4 PPG). Besides that, he used to play in a big rotation which shows that he is not likely to have "staying on the court for longer minutes" syndromes. He has good ball handling skills for a big man; and can go coast to coast and finish it off with a dunk. He can spot a fellow big man from a variety of positions. Also, he is a good pick'n roll player. He can score by popping up from up to 15 ft, rolling down with control, find an open teammate both on the perimeter as well as down low. He is very good at passing to big men, especially from high post to low post which will be beneficiary for zone offenses. He has the experience, the vision and the guts to select the correct pass. He knows how to score around the basket whether it be a fade away, a finger roll or a bank shot. He uses his body well not to get blocked. Also, contains a nice touch with a right hand jump hook. Of course, he is not versatile. He can only play one position, namely power forward and may be a little soft for the position. He might have difficulty in defending big PF's. It is not possible for him to "steal" some minutes from either C nor SF as he is literally too small for one and too slow/small for the latter. He needs to improve rebounding skills. He is good at crushing the boards when running from the wing but not nearly as effective from a stable position. And he must improve upon his 65% free throw shooting. All told though, he is an excellent pick at this spot and we are VERY happy to get him."

Elvis upstages Jerry for a camera CLOSE-UP.

"Thankyouverymuch."

Wild applause.

David Stern's Junior Assistant Lieutenant Commish: With the 33rd pick in the 2002 Bleacher Mob Mock Draft, the Denver Nuggets select Jamal Sampson, center, University of California.

Kiki Vandeweghe: Wow, Coach, we've really added some pieces to our team. Coach? ... Aargh! That's right. Well, when we get one, he'll have who could become the best scorer in this draft, a new point guard and a center prospect. Heck, maybe I'll just coach this crew....

Russ Granik: The Bucks select Casey Jacobsen from Stanford, this year's poison ivy player (no one seems to want to touch him.)