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Pos.
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Team
and GM
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Player
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Comments
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1
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Washington Wizards
GM: Critic
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Eddy
Curry Jr.
Thornwood HS
FC 6-11 285
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MJ has Eddie Griffin and Eddy Curry going one-on-one and
wants a few more minutes to decide. I'm not sure what is going on, as he
asked if anyone had a silver dollar on them.
David Stern:
With the first pick in the 2001 Draft, the Washington
Wizards select Eddy Curry, center from Thornwood High School, Calumet City,
Illinois.
Michael Jordan: This is
the most important decision I have had to make as GM of the Chi....uh,
Washington Wizards and the one on which I know the press and fans will judge
me. Some Critics might say "Shane Battier is a sure thing," but
Eddy Curry, and not another scrawny Dukie, is the kind of player I want
protecting my back if I come back and play. Not saying I will or won't come
back, but in my life I've found that nothing's impossible, other than hitting
a curve ball. Part of why I like this kid is that I could watch him play
without leaving Chicago, and leaving Chicago is, as you know, something I
almost never do. In fact, if I come back, I may petition the NBA to have the
Wizards' home games played in Chicago -- it's not like they have had an NBA
team since I left. But, enough about me. Well, (cough, cough) probably
enough, we'll have to see how my ribs feel later. Eddy Curry is 19 years old,
which shows he has taken his time getting out of high school, as is
appropriate for a player who didn't start playing basketball until age 13.
Today, he's 6'11" and 300 rock-hard pounds of tattooed agility. He will
be the only NBA Center able to do a back flip. We can't wait to see
the first time he does his back flip against Shaq and says, "Top THAT,
Shaq-Fu!" Of course, we will have to discuss with the David's (Stern and
Falk) whether it would be traveling if he did the flip with the ball in hand
and whether, in the interests of assuring a 3-peat, Shaq will be permitted to
use weapons to defend that move. His first tattoo ("Beast Among
Men") and his nickname ("Baby Shaq") say it all. I want no
wimps in MY paint, which is why I passed on the spindly alternatives
to Eddy in this draft and went for a Beast with dreams of growing up and
becoming the Eastern Conference Shaq. If a kid's going to survive practicing
with Jahidi White, he's got to have some meat on his bones. Let me tell you,
this kid's got that and more. I've run way over my allotted time, but hey,
I'm MJ, so I'm sure no one minds
Grizzlies GM:
We, the Memphis Grizzlies would like to offer our #6
pick as well as Mike bibby for your #1 pick....What da ya say?
Media: MJ is
screaming "UNDO! UNDO!" He apparently wants to take that Grizzlies
offer of Bibby plus the 6th so badly that he's frothing at the mouth and
keeps screaming "UNDO!" Hmmm, pitiful.
Grizzlies GM:
Oh well, guess we'll have to trade Bibby for Mookie
Blaylock or something. We only offered because we read in Pete Vescey's article
today that we were trying to make that trade, and said, "Well that's
more than most rumors have us getting for Bibby, so why not give it a
go!" Anyway, we would be
glad to give you Big Country for Curry....
Rodney White:
MJ, I thought you liked me! Jerry West said I was the
bestest player in the draft. I can't believe you went with an unproven high
school kid when I played a WHOLE year in college!...are you going to trade
for me?
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2
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Los Angeles
Clippers
GM: Bo
Kimble
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Kwame
Brown
Glynn Academy
FC 6-11 240
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Elgin Baylor:
Believe it or not we were not going to take Eddie Curry.
Yes it made perfect sense. Baby Shaq in LA. The up and coming Clippers with a
big body in the middle. But remember Baby Jordan . . . while we still have
love for Harold Miner . . . we're glad we didn't draft him. We thought Eddie Griffin would go
first, or Rodney White . . . but the player we covet most is . . . well the
card has gone up to David Stern.
David Stern: With the
second pick the in the 2001 Bleacher Mob Mock Draft the Los Angeles Clippers
select Kwame Brown, Glynn Academy HS (Ga)
Elgin Baylor: First, I'm just excited
that I still have a job. Second, I've actually done a decent job drafting the
last two years. We feel like
with the young talent we have, Lamar Odom, Darius Miles, Keyon Dooling, Corey
Maggette and Quentin Richardson, that we are on the right track. We need a tough, rugged inside
player. We feel Kwame Brown will come in and instantly help us out on the
boards and defensively with his shot-blocking ability. We truly feel like he is the most NBA
ready high-schooler since Kevin Garnett.
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3
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Atlanta Hawks
GM: JB
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DeSagana
Diop
Oak Hill Academy
C 7-0 315
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David Stern: With the 3rd pick in the 2001
Nba Draft, the Atlanta Hawks select: DeSagana Diop from Oak Hill Academy H.S.
Pete Babcock: I truly had
to give this one some extended thought. Diop has something that rarely is
available. He is a seven foot 305 pound athlete. He is raw offensively and
needs to develop some offensive skills. He surely can contribute on defense
and rebounding right away, but he needs a few years to polish his skills.
When we tested his athletic ability during his workout, DeSagana destroyed
the Hawks record for consecutive dunks at 93 times without stopping! We feel
that DeSagana will truly be a special player and we just couldn't pass him
by. I really did struggle with
the decsion. Eddie Griffin should have been the natural pick, but he is
undersized for a PF and would need to move over to the SF spot. With the new
rules coming in, I felt that having Diop at center and Ratliff at PF would
seal off the lane nicely on defense and switch on defense nicely. Big guys
who move well, rebound and block shots will be a premium on defense. The
guards and SF should be good shooters and Griffin didn't really seem to fit
the mold. I am reminded of the struggle that Antawn Jamison experienced in
that his position was not clear.
Besides, Bo took my first choice.
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4
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Chicago Bulls
GM: Paesans
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Shane
Battier
Duke
F 6-8 220
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David Stern: With the 4th pick of the NBA
draft, the Chicago Bulls select Shane Battier.
Jerry Krause: Giggle heeee heeeee heeeee (jowls of blubber are
flopping around wildly on his face.) We always wanted Shane Battier who is
the most NBA ready player in this draft. He will show all of you that
ORGANIZATIONS WIN CHAMPIONSHHIPS! Giggle hee heeee heeee heee heeeeeeee
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5
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Golden State Warriors
GM: Hallama
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David Bo Stern: With
the 5th pick in the 2001 NBA (highschool) Draft, the Golden State Warriors
select Eddie Griffin, Seton Hall.
Gary St. Hallama: Well
shucks, I'm just positively positive this is the most positive fortune that
could have happened to us. We've always had great feelings for all our past
draft picks, shucks, I mean sure, we could have drafted Kobe Bryant, Kevin
Garnett, Tracy McGrady, and Vince Carter in the last five years, but where
would that of gotten us? All those guys we drafted (psssst! anybody remember
their names) are positively doing fantastic. Well, anyway, I was watching an
old Seinfeld episode last night, you know the one where George does
everything the opposite of what he should do, yeah, well, since I kinda look
like George I thought hey, that's a swell idea! So, after Cowens and I had
all decided to draft that fantastic Spaniard Gasol and then trade his ass to
Boston for the 10th and 11th pick, I pulled a fast one and grabbed a guy who
is still in his teens in Eddie Griffin. We like Eddie's ability to block
shots and the fact that he's not legally allowed to drink alcohol, Al Attles
kept reminding me of what happened to Chris Mullin. Besides, he just punched
a teammate, it wasn't like Eddie choked his coach or something. And oh yeah,
we needed another SF/PF tweener to play alongside Antwan Jamison, he was starting
to get a little upset at all the tweener talk, now he has Eddie to take some
of the heat, now with two tweeners who are you going to guard? We've
absolutely have come up with a new label for Eddie and Antwan: Smower
Forward, do you like it?
David Bo Stern: Ah, skip
a bit their Gar...I've got plenty more photos to take with these punks, I
mean, future All-Stars.
Gary St. Hallama:Well,
shucks, we're just positively excited happy happy about Eddie Griffin. Why?
Because we can now trade him for an aging vet!
TNT Studios, Atlanta
Ernie Johnson: Well,
Charles, what do you think of that? Rumor is that Vancouver GM Billy King and
President Dick Versace were getting really excited about Griffin still being
on the board and Golden State coming up to pick. They must have thought for
sure that Golden State would like to pick a center. Instead they seem to have
picked an Antawn Jamison clone. Probably has thrown Vancouver into a bit of a
panic with the clock running down.
Charles Barkley on a tread mill:
(grunt, groan) Who cares? They are just the Warriors and the Grizzlies!
(moan) Now quit bothering me, MJ says I need to lose 35 more pounds by
September! (sigh)
Craig Sager (in a smashing neon green/yellow suit): Gary,
tell us, with your needs at center, and already having Jamison, a similar
player to Griffin, why did you pick Eddie?
Gary St. Hallama: Sure,
it would of made sense for us to draft a center, but that George Constanza,
whoo! Just think opposite! What a hoot he is! Loren Woods and Brendan Haywood
will make positively great center's in the NBA for years and years to come.
But, they were both COLLEGE seniors, had paid their dues, have great
experience for the highest caliber NCAA competition. Plus Loren's added muscle
scared us a bit, have you ever tried to shoot after lifting weights, it's
like shooting a bowling ball! And Brendan already has an NBA body, what fun
is that? We couldn't mold and sculpt him for three years or more like some of
the younger projects. Tyson Chandler, now there's a guy we could of sculpted
for five years and overpaid him after he became a FA, we were this close to
picking him. Boy, can that kid run like a deer!
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6
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Memphis Grizzlies
GM: Jeff
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Tyson
Chandler
Dominguez HS
F 7-0 235
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Madison Square Garden, New York, New York - David Stern
at the podium
David Stern Kimble: With
the 6th pick in the Bleacher Mob Fan Forum 2001 Mock Draft (are we still on
pick 6? Geez!), the Memphis Grizzlies select....Tyson Chandler of Compton,
California.
TNT Studios, Atlanta
Ernie Johnson: Well
Charles, someone has finally taken the Kevin Garnett clone. Over 7 feet tall
with guard skills. Do you think he can develop into an NBA talent?
Charles Barkley: Ernie,
I already said, I don't care 'bout the Grizzlies!
now hold down my legs while I do some crunches.
Memphis Grizzlies Draft War Room, Ballroom at the
Historic Peabody Hotel, Memphis
Memphis Grizzlies President Dick Versace:
Well, as you can all see, we are just moving in to our new home of Memphis.
We are extremely excited about Tyson. We really never had really expected he
would still be available for our first pick. We realize that at 230 pounds,
he is slight for his 7 feet, but he has been working out hard and we believe
his frame is going to take on as much bulk as he needs to be successful in
this league....Hey Billy, where is the moving box with the silverware?
Memphis Grizzlies GM Billy King:
This draft is really loaded with big men, and quite frankly, we wanted a big
man this year. It was difficult to chose a High School player over more
polished players like Woods and Haywood. But Tyson is, quite frankly more
talented an athlete than those two, and we feel we can work with him and
develop him into a center. He really could play any position between Shooting
Guard and Center in this league. All he needs is direction and
motivation....Besides anything is better than Bryant Reeves (oops, did I say
that out loud?)....Dick, look in the box labeled "kitchen stuff."
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7
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New Jersey Nets
GM: MEGACAR
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Rodney
White
UNC Charlotte
F 6-9 238
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David Bo Kimble Stern: With the 7th pick in
the 2001 NBA BMFF Mock Draft, the New Jersey Nets select Rodney White,
Charlotte
Rod Thorn: Great, we wanted him all the time. Many projected this guy
even higher so we were little scared. But you know this is kind of a relief.
Everybody expected from us to draft Jason Richardson, but we'll get SG
somehow. Rodney is very talented SF/PF, very good ball handler for a player
his size and has very good future. He gives us little more athleticism.
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8
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Cleveland Cavs
GM: Sptsjunkie
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Jason
Richardson
Michigan State
F 6-6 220
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David Stern: With the 8th pick in the
draft, the Cleveland Cavs select Jason Richardson from Michigan.
Unfortunately, Jim Paxon is visiting his grandmother's and could not be here
to explain his pick. But he promised me he'd do it on Thursday afternoon...
Suddenly a space ship (see pick 36) comes down through the roof of Madison
Square Garden with fireworks and the usual cQ music (all royalties paid)
coming from the sides of the ship. Out jumps Paxon, Herb the Martian, and the
arrested Columbian drug lord.
Jim Paxon: Originally we were hoping that Diop would slip this far,
since a lot of mock drafts had him falling even below us. Unfortunately, the
Hawks had the foresight to pick him up. However, we were thrilled to have
Richardson slip to our pick. When it was our turn it came down to either
Richardson or Gasol, but we decided we needed more athleticism in the
backcourt and were not sure about drafting an older, poor-man's version of
Nowitski. Richardson is a legitimate athlete who can score, eventually, like
Vince Carter and has the potential and the previous training that should make
him a better defender. This is very important since Miller is one of the best
and smartest PGs in the league, but not a phenomenal athlete. In a few years
though, Miller and Richardson should give us one of, if not the best
backcourts in the NBA.
Susan the Columbian drug lord:
And from what I've read, Richardson averaged
FG% 3P% FTM FTA FT% REB AST TO STL BLK PTS
AVG .503 .402 2.2 3.2 .689 5.9 2.2 1.3 1.1 0.9 14.7
TOT .503 .402 73 106 .689 195 73 42 37 29 486
Media: Cleveland jumps for joy after picking up the athletic, exciting
SG Jason Richardson with the eight pick. Of course, Tractor Traylor lands on
Ilgaskus' healing foot and re-fractures it.
And the spaceship blasts off with the usual fanfare.
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9
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Detroit Pistons
GM: Cat
Man
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Vladimir
Radmanovic
FMP Zeleznik
FC
6-10 227
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David Stern: With
the ninth selection in the third annual Bleacher Mob Forum Mock Draft, the
Detroit Pistons select Vladimir Radmanovic, forward from Yugoslavia. The
Boston Celtics are on the clock.
Joe Dumars: We had a
feeling he'd be there for us, especially with all the experts figuring I'd
make my first draft pick by taking another me. It was tempting, but we
haven't had a bonafide big man since I used to run with Bill Laimbeer and
John Salley. Vlad the Impaler has me thinking of Dirk Nowitzki and Peja
Stojakovic, going 6-9 or 6-10 and handling and shooting the rock. He'll open
it up for Stack to do his thing, then in a couple of years after he's filled
out, he'll be moving Duncan around and opening it up for Stack.
Reporter: Wouldn't a
more proven player like Loren Woods or a growing wide body like Zach Randolph
be better?
Dumars: Maybe. But a
redwood seedling may not appear that impressive. Until you see what it
becomes.
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10
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Boston Celtics
GM: sbelmont
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F.C. Barcelona
F 7-0 227
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David Stern: With the 10th selection in
the 2001 NBA Draft, the Boston Celtics select Pau
Gasol from F.C. Barcelona in Spain.
Chris Wallace: There were many nice prospects available but we are
very pleased to have Pau Gasol join our organization. Our front office and
coaching staff were amazed that Pau, who we felt was a top 5 selection, would
still be available. Even if we have to wait a year for him to join our club
(due to contract issues), it'll be well worth the wait. This young man in our
opinion is just as talented and more polished than any of the high schoolers
that were available this year. We feel he has a great opportunity to join the
ranks of international stars who have made a successful transition to the NBA
such as Nowitzki, Stojakovic, and Turkoglu. Pau is a versatile 7' 1"
player with a 7' 6" wingspan who can play the SF or PF position. He has
great ball handling ability for a man his height and also displays very nice
touch on his jumper. It will take him some time to become acclimated to the
more physical American style, but we think he'll eventually help bring Boston
back to its former glory.
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11
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Boston
GM: sbelmont
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Richard
Jefferson
Arizona
F 6-7 222
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David Stern: With the 11th selection in
the 2001 NBA Draft, the Boston Celtics select Richard
Jefferson from the University of Arizona. The Seattle
Supersonics are on the clock:
Chris Wallace: Richard Jefferson in our opinion is the premier athlete
in this year's draft. He's has a strong build and is a legit 6' 7" with
incredible leaping ability. He showed throughout the NCAA tournament that he
can flat out shut down an opponent's number one option. We feel he is ready
to step in immediately into the NBA and play a high level of defense against
opposing PGs, SGs, and SFs. This is a trait that will prove invaluable since
our club struggles greatly on that side of the court. Richard needs to
continue to work on his ball handling and shooting but with his strong work
ethic, we feel he will certainly do so and improve. This young man has barely
scratched the surface of his potential.
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12
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Seattle Sonics
GM: sackingsfan4life
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Arkansas
GF
6-9 225
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David Stern:
With the 12th pick in the 2001 Bleacher Mob Draft the
Seattle Supersonics select: Joe Johnson A 6-9 225 pound SF from Arkansas.
Wally Walker?: Yeah, we probably needed a center. But this kid has so
much "upside," we couldn't pass him up. We honestly didn't expect
to see him still here at this point and are happy to get such a quality human
being and such an amazing athlete at this juncture. He has slipped and we
needed the best player available at this point, as we are trying to build The
Supersonics into a legitimate ball club one piece, one step at a time.
And now that I have used up every cliché I can think of.. I'd just like to
say that some of you GMS passed on a very good player and a player that will
turn heads over the years..
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13
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Houston Rockets
GM: Houston
JP
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Steven
Hunter
DePaul
C 7-0 220
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Carrol Dawson to David Stern with the
microphone turned off: "About 8 years ago I was playing golf and got
hit by lightning. My eyes have been bad ever since. David, can you read this
note from Rudy T for me?"
Stern: "Sure Carrol,
let me have it. It says, 'Whatever you do get me a small forward to replace
Shandon Anderson who I hear the Kings are making a run at to be an off the
bench shoot guard after they trade Nick for a 2nd rounder. Get me a small
forward.'"
Carrol Dawson: "David, here is our pick."
Stern: "The Houston Rockets select Steven Hunter."
Carrol: "We need a center. Hakeem may be going to the Kings for
the 4.5MM exception and frankly Kelvin Cato is an inner tube as far as being
a center. We need to get big in a hurry and the executives I have talked too
seem to think that Chris is going to resign with the Kings. Geez, all I seem
to be talking about is the Kings. Well, I like this Steven Hunter and I don't
care what Rudy wants. I can go get a small forward with the exception, say a
Ruben Paterson after he does his public service."
Charles Barkley at TNT commenting on the pick: "I can stop
dieting now. The Rockets need size, I am there man. Bring me a chocolate
sundae. With nuts."
Kenny Smith: "They took the best center available. I still think
they need a point guard. It is time for this franchise to make a dramatic
move to move up in the league, otherwise they will be stuck in the Nether
land of mediocrity."
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14
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Golden State
Warriors
GM: Hallama
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Arizona
C 7-1 245
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Bo Stern: With
the 14th pick in the BMF 2001 NBA Draft, the Golden St. Warriors
select...Kevin Garnett?
Gary St. Hallama: Yeah,
um, can't we have a "do-over"?
Bo Stern: No. For God
sakes St.! Everyone knows you need a center, so I'll just make the pick for
you, moron! With the 14th pick in the BMF 2001 NBA Draft, the GSW select....
Loren Woods, Center, Arizona
Gary St. Hallama: uh,
yeah, that's absolutely positively who we had on our draft board (crinkling
up draft card, rips and lights it). He was still there, huh? Wow. Almost blew
that one! Anyway. There were no more "tweeners" left so, we thought
we might go for the string bean from AZ to play a little D around the basket.
We didn't really like any of the PG's like Cook and Tinsley, so we'll
concentrate on that with our 31st pick (Cowens slaps St. Hallama). Ow! I
mean, we'll be trying to land Tony Parker, Rashad Phillips, or Satterfield
(Cowens grabs the mike from St. Hallama, grabs him by the ear, and takes him
away.)
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15
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Orlando Magic
GM: cQ
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Michael
Bradley
Villanova
CF
6-10 245
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David Stern: With the 15th pick of the BMF
2001 NBA Mock Draft...(Whack) Ouch! (Thud)
Howard Stern: ...the Orlando Magic select...(Whack) Oops. (Thud)
Goofy (wearing David's glasses and Howard's hair): uh-huh, uh-huh,
Michael Bradley, 6-10, C/F from Villanova.
(In the distance GM John Gabriel is uttering muffled shrieks of "stop!
That's not my pick!" A whack is heard, then silence.)
Mickey Mouse (dressed as John Gabriel): Heh, heh, that's right Goof,
er Dave. We picked Michael, um, Bradley - yeah, that's it - because we
couldn't find a player with the initials M.M. (like last year). So, the Duck
pulled out the Quiji Board and...
Donald Duck: %#$&*#$!
Mickey Mouse: Heh, heh, right. Anyway, "M" and "B"
came up - so we looked for a player with those initials who looked good in a
Magic cap and jersey. That's where the computer came in handy (just like last
year). How about it, Doc? It was tough finding just the right guy, right?
Pluto (disguised as coach Doc Rivers): (RUFF!)
Mickey Mouse: Yes. But Michael's our guy. He's...
Goofy: (whispering to Mick) You'd better hurry Gabriel got out and
Stern's waking up.
Mickey Mouse: Right. Anyway...
Donald Duck: %#$&*#$!
Mickey Mouse: The Duck says "Michael Bradley is extremely
efficient around the basket (.691 field goal percentage) during 20.8 point,
9.2 rebound per game junior season; and was Second team All-American. Plus,
he is a known quantity, a rare commodity in this draft."
Uh, got to go!
David Stern: Somebody call Security!
John Gabriel (closing in): I'll get you guys...!
Howard Stern: Hey, where's my hair?
Goofy's Voice (off camera, fading): (Laughing!) Here. (With a boombox
playing Peter Gabriel's "Shock the Monkey") Wait for me, Mick....
Howard's head - wig lands on bald pate. Howard (in sarcastic tone): Thanks.
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16
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Charlotte Hornets
GM: Parso
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Brendan
Haywood
North Carolina
C 7-0 268
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Stern: With the 16rd pick in the
2001 NBA Draft, the Charlotte Hornets select Brendan Haywood, University of
North Carolina, Senior, 7-0 foot 264 lbs
Charlotte’s newly appointed GM Jeff Bower: Although we have a decent
center in Elden Campbell we think that Brendan will in couple of years take
over the starting job and will dominate the East with his size. Brendan is not
only a seven footer but has a wide wingspan, actually the longest measured in
Carolina history. His defensive presence will instantly help our Franchise to
go further. However we think that he will blossom into a good center with
time. He has the potential to be an impact player. He can score especially
around the basket. He knows how to fight for position, has some decent moves
although he needs to work on his jump hook. If he can successfully add a
right jump hook he might be the steal of the draft since nowadays a seven
footer with some meat on his bones is a rare find. Having 2 decent centers is
also attractive considering the West is in search for partial solutions to
Shaq. Although Haywood might not be ‘the’ answer, nobody is, he or Elden
would make a great target for some western teams, which were torched by the
big guy. We are not intending to trade anyone but we are also open to
suggestions. Overall we did get what we wanted in the local hero, this might
also help Brendan in his adjustment period. And we definitely expect Brendan
to contribute this year.
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17
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Toronto Raptors
GM: Hallama
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Troy
Murphy
Notre Dame
F 6-11 245
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Bo Stern: With
the 17th pick of the BMF 2001 Mock Draft, the Toronto Raptors select...
Troy Murphy, PF, Notre Dame.
Glen Grunwallama: Well,
this is a nice pick for Orlando...
Bo Stern: ahh, you mean
Toronto, right?
Glen Grunwallama: No.
We're Orlando's farm team so in a couple years we hope Murphy has a
successful career in Orlando with TMAC and Antonio Davis. They also have a
keen eye on Alvin Williams, our PG. We were shocked that Murphy was still on
the board, and it was a hard decision to make between him and Zach Randolph.
Randolph, we feel, will eventually become a better player than Murphy so we
don't want Orlando to get too good, y'know. Murphy fills the need for the
next two years of an additional scorer and bruising rebounder to compliment
Vince, who additionally, will be headed for Orlando in a few seasons, or to
play for MJ in Washington. Hey, we're Canadians, and just happy to be a good
farm system for the teams in the States!
Stern hands Murphy a Toronto cap, with a reversible Orlando logo on the
inside.
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18
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Houston Rockets
GM: Houston
JP
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Zach
Randolph
Michigan State
F 6-9 270
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Rudy T in the NBA Green Room in New York City speaking
to Peter Vescey: "I am the captain of this ship. Me and Ben
Hur. So I locked Carrol Dawson in the bathroom again, just like I did last
year. He is probably sending out notes on toilet paper seeking help. I paid
the maintenance crew $50 each to not let him out until tomorrow. I asked for
a small forward and he gives me a center. Now, I am going to draft the player
I want."
Vescey: "So, what you just told me is that Chris Webber has
agreed under the table to sign with the Rockets?
Rudy: "Well that isn't exactly what I said, Peter."
Vescey: "Well this is headline news. I am going to go with this
story. Thanks for the scoop Rudy. You have always been a good source."
Rudy: "Peter.....come back here. Oh well, David here is the
Rockets pick."
David Stern: "With the 18th pick in the draft the Rockets take a
small forward (sic), Zach Randolph."
[David Stern overheard talking to Rudy with his hand over the microphone
as Zach approaches the stage: "Rudy, this guy isn't a small forward,
is this your pick?"
Rudy in reply: "Yes, don't tell my GM
or Vescey. They both think I can get Webber from the Kings. Ain't no way.
This guy is a draft horse on the boards with the heart of a quarter horse in
the open court. We can groom him to be the poor man's Anthony Mason without
the appetite for checking into the gray room with steel bars."
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19
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Portland
Trailblazers
GM: Cat
Man
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Gilbert
Arenas
Arizona
G 6-3 191
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David Stern: With
the 19th selection in the Bleacher Mob Mock Draft, the Portland Trail Blazers
choose Gilbert Arenas, guard, University of Arizona.
Bob Whitsitt: Coach will
be very pleased with this pick ... whomever the coach is. That's right, I
don't have one. Hmmm. I've got Flip's number here somewhere ... no, that
won't work. George Karl might ... naw, no good. Maybe Larry Brown? He's been
in Philly too long for him... Anyhoo, Arenas is clearly the best athlete
still available. Gilbert's had a great off-season, looked great in camps and
workouts. And he's not as redundant to our club as you think. Once we cut
away some of these cancers, right coach? Uh, coach? Oh, right...
|
|
20
|
|
Cleveland Cavs
GM: Sptsjunkie
|
Jamaal
Tinsley
Iowa State
G 6-3 185
|
David Stern: With the 20th pick in the
draft, the Cleveland Cavs select Jamaal Tinsley from Iowa St. Unfortunately,
Jim Paxon's mother needs the computer, but he really promises that he will
explain both picks tonight. And wipe that smirk off your face Mr. Babcock, Paxon
assures me he was going to pick Tinsley anyway.
The spaceship lands creating a second hole in the roof of Madison Square
Garden with its usual fireworks and cQ rock music. Paxon, Herb the Martian
(now in a Cavs shirt), and Susan the Columbian drug lord (in a prison-style
striped Cavs shirt) hop out of the vessel.
Jim Paxon: After picking Richardson earlier in the draft, we felt that
our greatest need was in the frontcourt. However, this late in the draft, if
not the whole draft, we believe that you need to pick the best player
available regardless of position. In Tinsley, we hope to get a mature (played
all 4 years of college ball) PG who can contribute immediately as a backup to
Miller. Tinsley is a solid shooter, who has shown improved range in pre-draft
workouts, and a great penetrator who sets up his teammates for easy baskets.
Having a tutor like Miller should help him calm his erratic style of play and
cut down on turnovers. He will also provide a nice compliment to Miller by
giving us a more athletic option at PG and allowing us to have more options
to use against opposing teams. The pick here came down to Tinsley, Wallace,
Parker, Cook, and one other who will be kept nameless since he could be
drafted later (time travel has allowed me to see that he is the only one who
has not been picked yet). We decided that Tinsley was the most talented of
the group and are happy with the selection.
Susan the Columbian drug lord: Tinsley is an amazing PG who averaged
FG% 3P% FTM FTA FT% REB AST TO STL BLK PTS
AVG .399 .381 4.1 6.0 .692 3.8 6.0 3.8 2.5 0.6 14.3
TOT .399 .381 128 185 .692 117 187 117 79 19 443
All three pile into the spaceship with Paxon mumbling something about
preventing World War 3 and they blast off (creating a third hole in the roof)
with fireworks and cQ rock songs blasting from the craft.
|
|
21
|
|
Boston Celtics
GM: Wyo
|
Tony
Parker
Paris Basket
Racing
G 6-2 177
|
David Stern: With the 21st selection in
the 2001 NBA Draft, the Boston Celtics select Tony
Parker from Paris Basket Racing (France).
Chris Wallace: We're very happy to have Tony join the Celtic organization.
Not too many basketball fans know about him but the NBA scouts certainly do.
Before his 18th birthday, this kid was already playing at the top level of
the French professional league. His smooth shooting ability and his
leadership in running a ball club made him stand out in our eyes even over
the collegiate points in this draft. Last summer at the Nike Hoop Summit,
Tony was able to unite a hodge podge of international talent to give some of
the top American high schoolers a run for their money.
|
|
22
|
|
Orlando Magic
GM: cQ
|
Joseph
Forte
North Carolina
G 6-4 192
|
David Stern (with cracked lenses,
obviously trying to hide his nervousness and upset with a smile that makes
him look like a bloated grinning weasel): With the 22nd pick in the BMF 2001
Mock NBA Draft, the Orlando Magic select...(he pauses to see if any escaped
Disney toons are going to assault him, breathes deeply, wipes his brow and
exhales)...Joseph Forte of the Mustang Ranch near Re...no...
An aide whispers a correction in his Buddha ears, and he grins more
sheepishly.
David Stern: ...uh, correction - that's Joseph Forte, one of my
favorite NBA officials...
Voice from Above: No, David, he's a 6'4" guard out of North
Carolina; and a good one.
David Stern (sweating): ...uh, oh yes, that Joe Forte! Of course.
John Gabriel (surrounded by armed thugs in striped suits, seemingly
still apprehensive): (sounding a bit high-pitched, perhaps he has a cold or
frog in his throat) Uh, yes, we like Joseph Forte. He shared ACC Player of
the Year honors with Shane Battier. He has a great outside game. And I think
will prove his naysayers wrong and become an excellent guard in the NBA. If
you could see his stock rise in the camps, you would not have believed he
would be available at 22. We are thrilled!
Peter Vecsey: The Duck, before he escaped, mentioned something about
maybe picking a big man. Say a 7 footer, like Alvin Jones or Samuel
Dalembert. Was that ever a option?
Zip!!!
John Gabriel unzips himself in half, exposing Mickey Mouse emerging from a
John Gabriel plastic skin shell, and the thugs unzipping to reveal Goofy and
the Duck (AKA, Donald).
Mickey Mouse: (while laughing and drenching Peter Vecsey with a
super-soaker, and Goofy and the Duck do the same to David Stern) NO! Heh, heh
- "option" THIS!
Squeals emit from the audience as the Three Toons scamper away through the
crowd, unleashing water blasts as they go...
Meanwhile, Joe Forte makes his way up to the stage and reaches down to shake
a drenched Stern's moist foppish hand, "Is Orlando very far from
Charlotte?"
David Stern (disgusted, tosses Joe the cap): Here's your (bleeping)
cap. (He then sees the camera and GRINS, and grabs Joe's hand and pumps it.)
Joe Forte looks up, and a Voice from Above says: You're okay, Joe; but
that Stern is really asking for it. (Thunder tolls outside.)
|
|
23
|
|
Houston Rockets
GM:
Houston JP
|
St. John’s
G 6-1 190
|
David Stern:
With the 23rd pick take Omar Cook.
Rudy T:The Rockets take Omar Cook and
we look to move Cutino Mobley to the swing man position, coming off the bench
as the next winner of the 6th Man Award. We need a true point guard to free
up Steve Franchise to do what he does best. Shoot and score and play almost
as much D as Jason Williams.
Rudy T: "The Rockets had a nice
day at the office. We got a center in Hunter that has huge upside. It's up to
him how he uses this last year with Hakeem to get ready for the following
year. We got a very nice power foward in Zachary Randolph since Chris is sure
to be a King. And, we got a very promising point guard. I need a beer."
|
|
24
|
|
Utah Jazz
GM: NOTTY
|
Stanford
C 7-0 260
|
*Stern and cheap toupee approaches the podium.*
David Stern: "With the 24th pick of the draft, the Utah Jazz take
Jason Collins, 6'11" center from Stanford. "
Kevin O'Conner, Jazz GM:*wetting pants*: We liked Forfeit, but the Wolves beat
us to him. Jason is a good center, and I am surprised to see him drop this
far. He will fit in well with the Jazz. When you ask why him? All I can say
is Ostertag...
|
|
25
|
|
Sacramento Kings
GM:
Fireplug or T-Chris
|
Georgia Tech
C 6-11 265
|
Petrie to David Stern: "I
got a new radio that has a police and fire scanner on it, and I was up all
night listening to this Fire Engine company in Oak Park Sacramento go on call
after call, so forgive me if I am a little groggy this morning. Give me a
chance to pull myself together (translation = Plug is going to drive home
first) and then I will give you my pick."
Offstage
Geoff Petrie:
"David, thanks for the extra minutes to pull myself together. Now,
before I give you our decision I would like to give you the reasons for that
decision. As you well know, I would rather have my fingernails slowly pulled
out one-by-one then reveal my thoughts to anyone. In the past I have
successfully been able to surprise everyone at the last minute with my
choice. Last year I shocked everyone with my pick of the International Hedo
Turkoglu. The year before that I was able to surprise everyone only by
choosing in the second round a scrawny guard who couldn't play.
I am somewhat at my wits end, however, this year. You know now that I am
usually very partial to the international players. I, however, know that you
know this so I clearly can't take an international player this year. I am
also smart enough to know, however, that YOU know that I know you know, so I
clearly can't take a player from here. But since you know that I know that
you know, I might then be able to take an international player to surprise
you, but what if you know that I know that you know that I know??? What can I
do then!!!???
So it has become apparent that our only course of action, in order to
surprise everyone, is to abstain
from this year's draft. Thank You. You may call the next team."
David Stern: "Uh,
Geoff. I believe here in the NBA rulebook it says you must
choose in your designated slot when it is your turn. See, look here where my
finger is pointing... right below the special section related to Shaq
Exceptions."
Petrie: "Oh bother,
I was afraid you would know the rules. In that case let me introduce to you
Mr. E. B. McCutchen of the independent accounting firm McCutchen,
McCutchen, McCutchen, McCutchen and Proos who has
had the Kings choice locked away in a hermetically sealed envelope inside a 6
inch steel walled safe inside the US Mint Vault."
E. B. McCutchen:
"Here you go Mr. Stern, and please notice the envelope is still
sealed."
David Stern: "Oh
for crying out loud."
Stern steps to the podium as the crowd hushes
David Stern: With the
25th pick in the Bleacher Mob Mock Draft the Sacramento Kings choose... Alvin
Robert Lamar Jones III, Center from Georgia Tech.
Petrie: We
found Mr. Jones' accomplishments quite impressive. A four-time member of the
ACC All-Defensive Team. Finished career as Tech's all-time leading shot
blocker with 425 blocks. Ranks fourth in blocked shots in ACC history,
trailing only Tim Duncan (481), Ralph Sampson (462) and Tree Rollins (450).
Ranks with previous three as one of only four players in ACC history with
1,000 points, 1,000 rebounds and 400 blocked shots. Averaged 13.4 ppg and
team leading 10.4 rpg (10th in nation) as a senior, helping team reach NCAA
Tournament. Also led the team in blocked shots with 101 (3.4 bpg, 10th in
nation). Named to the ACC All-Tournament Second Team after averaging 13.5
points, 14.0 rebounds and 4.5 blocks in two under pressure tourney games.
Although we don't see him being a big force for us this year as our team is
plenty deep, we do see him being able to contribute."
Dick Versace, President, Memphis Elvis:
Petrie, you are a bastard...I was sure you were picking someone off my draft
board, so I had already whittled it down to two players....And I know the
Philly Minutemen are picking the other guy.... DRAT!!!!
|
|
26
|
|
Philadelphia 76ers
GM: cQ
|
Ousmane
Cisse
St. Jude HS
F 6-9 260
|
David Stern: Wow! That Geoff Petrie knows
how to pick 'em, doesn't he? Anyway, with the 26th pick of the BMF 2001 Mock
NBA Draft, the Philadelphia 76ers...
Suddenly, with the sound of thundering hooves on carpeted wood, a crazed man
in a Colonial costume and on horseback rides his galloping steed across the
stage and over Stern, yelling, "the Zone is coming! The zone is
coming!", and disappears offstage. David completely disheveled and with
red hoof grooves all over him, continues...
David Stern: ...the Philadelphia 76ers select... (aside to Billy King)
Are you sure about this? (shaking his head, and announcing out loud) ...the
76ers select Ousmane Cisse, 6-8, F, HS, Montgomery (Ala.) St. Jude.
(Everybody in Philadelphia watching shoot or kick in their TV screens in
reaction. And the Memphis Grizzlies think-tank, headed by arch-spy
"Jeff", jump for joy!)
Pat Croce (owner/president): (aside to aide) Tell Clinton 'no', again.
And check my brother's pockets before he leaves. (to camera) Yeah, we are
really looking forward to this guy. Samuel Dalem..bert... (an aide whispers
to him) What? You're kidding? Okay, what's the skinny? (Pause, then turns to
cameras) They say, "in terms of explosiveness and playing with reckless
abandon, this Ousmane Cisse may have no peer." I was surprised that the
Kings' Petrie didn't snap him up. I mean, sure he's HURT and is untested;
but, hey, so was almost everyone on our team this last season; and we got to
the Finals. Hey, man, that's what we pay coach Brown for. Right Billy?
Billy King (GM): Whatever you say, Pat. We have videotape on this guy,
and the only stealing he does is on the court, not the locker room. We tested
all the guys we brought in by leaving #3's wallet open by his locker and,
unlike some others, this kid picked it up and took it directly to the trainer
for Iverson - not a dollar was missing. Right then, we decided to take
action.
Peter Vescey: Everybody was sure you were going after Samuel
Dalembert. What happened?
Billy King: Uh, well, let's just say the Memphis Grizzlies have
videotape too, and we came to an under-the-table, off-the-board agreement to
allow them to take Dalembert. Besides, this Ousmane Cisse is our kind of
player! HURT, untested, explosive and reckless. Right coach?
Larry Brown (coach): Now, now, I just feel lucky to have a pick in the
Draft to select. Sure, Ousmane is a good kid, and is certainly the most
"explosive", fearless guy we've seen in awhile; but what he did on
the prep level does not necessarily translate to the NBA game. Besides, he is
extremely raw offensively. Then again, he could be a rebounder right away and
fit in nicely with the group we have now. If he heals, he will certainly be a
worthwhile project; but then I probably won't be here long enough to help
with that. My family and health concerns...
Pat Croce: Oh, cut the crap, coach. You know you're staying. I've got
a hole burning in my wallet just to give millions more to you to stay on,
man.
Billy King: I...
Pat Croce: Oh, shut up, King. Go "GM" something. I'm talking to
Larry here.
Larry Brown: I like the Cisse kid, Pat, but would like to have had a
bigger body, like Dalembert or Jones, or at least somebody all
in one piece, who could come in right away and
help the team. It is tough coaching a M.A.S.H. unit all season long.
Pat Croce: Yeah, yeah. This guy's a scrapper, and that's what this
team is all about. Never say die; kick ass; playing through the pain and
broken bones; sell them tickets and jerseys.
Peter Vescey: Dumb pick.
Pat Croce: Eat me, Vescey. Go run in traffic. I'm busy.
Joe Crawford (wearing censor-strip sunglasses and a big phoney
moustache, talks in a bad fake accent): Any of you guys seen Stern?
Larry Brown (having to be restrained by Croce): Let me at 'im!
Pat Croce (holding Larry back): Get out of here, Crawford. Before you
get Shaq-ed.
Joe Crawford (in sunglasses and with a seeing-eye dog): Oh there he
is. (Leaving, mumbling under his breath.) My Swiss account has yet to be
sweetened...Stern'd better pay up...(Louder, sickeningly sweet.) Hey, boss!
The Colonial on horseback comes thundering back and stampedes over Crawford.
"The Zone is coming!"
|
|
27
|
|
Memphis Grizzlies
GM: Jeff
|
Samuel
Dalembert
Seton Hall
C 6-11 250
|
David Kimble: With
the 27th pick in the 2001 BMMD, the Memphis Elvis select Samuel Dalembert,
Center, from Seton Hall.
Lawn at Graceland
Memphis Elvis President, Dick Versace
First, I want to say how happy we are to be moving in to our new home. Second
I want to lodge a formal complaint to the NBA. we have much more talent than
Philly, but they get to play in the Championship game and we can't even make
the playoffs just because of this whole Canada thing (and the fact that our
12 players collectively have less heart than an artichoke). But, how can a
team that would pick a player who just suffered an ACL injury or whatever, be
better than mine.... It’s just not fair.
Anyway, Dalembert was the obvious choice for us. Now we have added two big
men to our team. We just need to get us a strength and conditioning coach and
some of that special Mark McGuire powder and we have our big man positions
filled for years to come. we are going to be young and raw next year, but our
frontline will be able to block shots all the way back to Canada and we will
at least be fast enough to outrun a glacier.
And folks, we are having a moving sale.... Anyone interested in a big slow
center with limited offensive skills and a 40 time of 10 seconds?
|
|
28
|
|
San Antonio Spurs
GM: Sptsjunkie
|
Gerald
Wallace
Alabama
F 6-7 215
|
David Stern: With the 28th pick in the
2001 NBA Draft, the San Antonio Spurs select Gerald Wallace out of Alabama.
Popavich: We're thrilled that Wallace was still left on the board for
us. After watching Kobe tear our team apart in the playoffs last season, it
was clear that we needed a tall, athletic defender. Wallace is 6'7'' and has
freakish athletic ability. Obviously, his lack of an outside shot could be a
concern, especially with the new zones. However, the effects of the zone are
not known yet, in fact with the shooting range of our big men, Wallace may
get a lot of dunks against a zone defense. And with Wallace's noted work
ethic, we believe he can easily develop a jumper and that he has all-star
potential. That said, we plan on trading him for gum wrappers and coke
bottles like all of our non-lottery picks to avoid giving out any guaranteed
contracts. We're currently working on a deal with the Kings involving some
Bazooka Joe wrappers and...
Cell phone rings....
Oh, I've been informed that if I say anymore about the pending deal, my home
phone number will be posted in a Lakers' chat room and I'll be locked in a
small hut and forced to listen to Shaq rap.
Stern - Well boys and girls, I'm done pretending I care about who drafts
whom and am off to start planning and choreographing next season. Vice
President Jackson will now take over for the second round... pauses... On a
sadder note, space aliens have kidnapped Jim Paxon. We are currently
negotiating and hope despite his hectic schedule, apparently he plans to take
down a Columbian drug cartel when he gets back, he will post his explanations
for the Cavaliers picks tomorrow night. Please let your prayers be with Mr.
Paxon for a safe return flight and for a success in destroying the Columbian
drug trade.
|
|
29
|
|
Minnesota
Timberwolves
|
No Pick
(Forfeited)
|
Shame on you, Wolves.
|
